Epiphany
by LadyofDodge
Summary: She stared at him. He couldn't be saying what she thought, but it sure sounded as if....
1. Chapter 1

Epiphany

A Sequel to "The Letter"

Part One

May 25, 1889

Matt Dillon sat easily, expertly in the saddle. He tugged on the reins and pointed his mount southwest, out of Kansas and toward that distant Arizona valley where his life had changed forever.

The trail at this point was still familiar and Buck knew the way, allowing his rider's troubled mind to turn elsewhere.

Kitty. The woman he loved with all his heart. His woman. The only woman he had so much as touched in the last 22 years. Except once. He pressed his lips tight as he saw her standing there in the early morning light, auburn curls tumbling across her shoulders, eyes dry, but brimming with pain and fear...and love, always the love...as she clung to his words of promise, " 'Course I'm coming back to Dodge, coming back to you."

Mike. The woman who had saved his life. The mother of his child. Had it been gratitude? Had it been love? Had it been merely the need to connect with another human being? It didn't matter that he hadn't been himself at the time. What mattered was that one lonely, sleepless night he had gone to her, seeking comfort and solace in the warmth of her body.

Beth. The child who was the innocent fruit of that night. His daughter. No matter what it cost him, he had to see his child, had to do what was right by her.

Whatever "right" meant.

He groaned aloud. No matter how inadvertent that moment had been, the fact remained that he had wronged and hurt two women--three if he included the child still too young to be aware of her father's indiscretion.

Too tired, too weary, too heartsick to go any farther, the big lawman climbed from the saddle and spread his bedroll on the ground. He slept fitfully, yearning for Kitty's soft bed rather than the unforgiving earth under his scarred and battered body. He wanted Kitty's warm body draped across his own instead of the scratchy woolen blanket. He wanted the comfort of a down pillow beneath his tired and aching head, not the hard leather saddle. Like a petulant child, he wanted what he couldn't have...at least not right now. He wanted Kitty.

_You could lose her this time, Dillon, and you have no one to blame but yourself._

August 5, 1889

Kitty Russell smiled in her sleep as snippets of dream fluttered through her subconscious. A large hand stroked the tangled red hair from her face, and warm lips lightly brushed the tops of her full breasts where they peeked from beneath the sheet. Suddenly realizing that her dream was very real, she turned onto her side and reached her arms out to the man who lived deep within her heart, the man she hadn't been positive she ever would see again. As her mouth sought his in the dark, she lifted her eyes to the heavens and sent up a fervent "Thank you, God."

"Don't wake up yet, honey. I just stopped by to tell you I'm back. Buck's downstairs, and I need to take him on down to the stable. I'll be back directly...that is, if it's okay."

" 'Course it's okay. I've been waitin' for you forever."

As Matt unsaddled the big buckskin and settled him for the night, his mind couldn't help but reflect on that other return, the one three years ago when he was so consumed with guilt that he couldn't bring himself to touch her, to make love to her until he had confessed the entire story of what had happened in that Arizona valley.

This time he had no sordid confession to make, but how could he possibly tell Kitty the truth? How could he break her heart yet again by telling her that he had hopelessly and completely lost his own heart to someone whose curly dark head barely reached to his boot tops?

Wearily, he climbed the rickety back stairs and again let himself into Kitty's rooms. Moving silently in case she had gone back to sleep, he left his hat and gunbelt on the table by the door and began shucking vest and shirt as he moved into the dark bedroom. He sank gingerly onto the edge of the bed to remove his boots and socks and she rolled against him, one arm sliding around his waist as she pressed her face against his broad back.

"You all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, just tired."

He stood to strip off his trousers and underwear and then sank back down into the comforting softness of the big brass bed...and Kitty's arms.

"Are you gonna tell me about your trip?"

"In the morning. Right now I need to hold you and get some sleep," he mumbled as he burrowed his face into the soft hollow of her neck.

Kitty smiled to herself in the dark. Apparently even legendary lawmen needed comfort and rest sometimes. "Sweet dreams, Cowboy," she whispered into his shaggy curls.


	2. Chapter 2

Epiphany, Part Two

A Sequel to "The Letter"

Matt slept peacefully, deeply, in the comforting circle of Kitty's arms. No nightmares, no troubled thoughts filled his mind this night, only pleasant dreams of the tiny child he had left behind in that Arizona valley.

It was early afternoon when he had ridden into the well-tended front yard of the Yardner property. The old dog, Sutler, had begun barking at his approach, moving protectively in front of the small child playing on the porch. Then, suddenly, Sutler's demeanor changed and he began racing back and forth from the screened door to the approaching horse and rider, nipping at Buck's hooves and jumping to try to do the same to Matt's long legs.

The noise drew Mike Yardner to the porch, where she picked up her small daughter and stood watching the approaching pair. When they were close enough and recognition dawned, he could see her body stiffen and then relax again as she whispered something to the little girl in her arms.

"I got your letter," he called, lifting the big Stetson in greeting.

"Most people would just write back, not ride six hundred miles to say so, but since you did, come on in and sit a spell."

His subconscious mind again saw the little girl, shy at first, and clinging to her mama or to Sutler. But within a day she was smiling up at him from beneath her long lashes. After breakfast, Mike had removed the child from her high chair, and placed her on the floor to play with her colorful wooden blocks. Matt had been reading the newspaper and experienced a moment of panic when he realized he was, for the first time, alone with his daughter.

Planning to search out Mike, he rose to his full height and looked down at the little girl on the floor. She rose to her full height, too, and lifted her little arms toward the gentle giant towering over her. He didn't know a lot about children, but even he recognized this universal signal. Bending, he lifted the child into his arms and, oh, so tenderly, cradled her soft cheek against his. Blue eyes looking directly into blue eyes so like his own, he said softly, "Hey, Beth...I'm your papa."

"Papa," she chirped, landing a wet kiss on his scratchy face. And Matt Dillon was in love as he had never been in love before.

In his dream, as in reality, the hot summer days flew by, each one drawing father and daughter closer together.

Sometimes Mike went with them for a picnic or a bit of play time, but for the most part, Matt and Beth spent what precious little time they had getting to know each other, each reveling in the novelty of the other.

He took her for gentle rides on Buck, one big hand holding her close in front of him, her little legs not even beginning to straddle the big saddle.

He rolled in the warm grass with her and she tumbled across his chest.

She picked wildflowers for him, adorning his hair, his ears, his shirt front.

She rode on his strong shoulders, pretending she was as big and tall as the mountains that surrounded them, her little arms wrapping as far as they could around his solid neck, her sweet baby kisses wetting his crevassed cheek, her dimpled hands patting the top of his head and tugging on his gray-brown curls, as she giggled and lisped "higher, higher."

She was the first completely pure and innocent soul he had ever known, and he felt his shuttered heart opening to his daughter as it had never opened to anyone before, not even to Kitty.


	3. Chapter 3

Epiphany, A Sequel to "The Letter

Part Three

When Matt opened his eyes, the sun was making bright hop-scotch patches across the hardwood floor and braided rug. With Kitty nowhere in sight, he went into the adjacent bathing room to clean up the best he could in the small wash basin. He was surprised to find the big green tub filled with tepid, but clean, water. The low stool next to the tub held a folded towel with his "manly" cedar soap on top.

The luxury of a bath was something he had not had in weeks, and he made the most of it, settling into the water and closing his eyes. Relaxed and clean and comfortable, his mind again began to wander.

He had never intended, never wanted to bring a child into the sordid, evil world in which he lived and worked, but intentional or not, he had done so. And in so doing, he had discovered another world, one not so sordid, not so evil, but one where unconditional love and trust enveloped him in the tiny arms of a two year old child.

He heard the outside door open as Kitty, at least he hoped it was Kitty, returned. He could hear her moving about in the other room and then the aroma of fresh coffee drifted closer and closer until she stood in the doorway, steaming mugs of coffee in both hands, her blue eyes wide with appreciation as she took in the magnificent specimen before her.

"You coulda knocked," he grumbled.

"And missed, uh...all this?" she asked as her eyes again scanned his taut, muscled chest and flat stomach. The rest of him was still submerged, but sudden little ripples in the sudsy water gave her a pretty good idea of what was happening there, too.

A telltale flush crept across his tanned cheeks, confirming her suspicions.

"Here, drink. I'll do your back."

"Kitty, you don't have to...oh, that feels good."

With surprising quickness, she scrubbed his long, broad back and pressed a light kiss against his shoulder. "Hurry and get dressed while breakfast is still hot."

"Kitty, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong...why?"

"This is the first time I've ever known you to suggest, actually _choose_, food over...well, you know."

"I'm just giving you time, Matt, time to get adjusted to being back in Dodge again. The last time you came back from, from...there, you needed a lot of time."

"But this is nothing like that other time. I..."

Halfway into his clean blue shirt, he stopped and stared at her, then closed his hands around her upper arms and pulled her close. "Kitty, you really haven't been thinking that I, that Mike and I...oh, honey, no...we didn't. Absolutely nothing happened between us. There's no way I can prove it, so you're just gonna have to trust me on this one. I missed you, Kitty, and I wanted you every day...and every night."

She drew back to look into his clear, honest eyes and knew that he spoke the truth. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she pulled his face down to hers. "I believe you, Matt; I know you didn't do anything with Mike."

"Have you spent the last ten weeks worrying about that?"

"Well, it's just that...she was right there, so close, and I was right here, so far away."

"Kitty...Kitty, I didn't go to see Mike. I went to see Beth. Sure, Mike was there, and we did talk. We talked a lot, mostly about Beth and what's best for her, but that's all there was to it, honey. I'm all yours, if you still want me."

"Oh, I want you, Cowboy." Her sapphire eyes danced with mischief. "Right after breakfast."

After breakfast Matt carried his coffee mug into the sitting room and placed it on the end table next to the big easy chair. Sitting down, he pulled the woman he loved into his lap and held her close, his lips caressing her auburn hair as he spoke. "I have so much to tell you; I don't know where to start. Some of this might be hard for you to hear, Kitty, but I need to tell you a few things. I've made some decisions and, well, some of them are going to involve you."

Kitty's mouth went dry with the fear that coursed through her body. She swallowed hard, and looked into his eyes. "Matt, is this going to be bad? 'Cause if it is, please, just say it right out. Are you going back there? Are you going to stay with...with them?"

"Oh, baby, no. Well, yes, I am going to go back again...and again. I want, I need, to go back to see Beth. I need to be a part of her life. Or maybe I need her to be a part of my life. But I'm not going to stay. I'm coming back here again. Kitty...honey, no matter where I go, I'll always come back to you. Don't you know that yet?"

She nodded against his chest. "I think I do, and most of the time I believe it, but this is so new...so different. You and Mike and Beth are a family, and families belong together. I'm not part of that family, I'm just...just..."

"You're just the woman I happen to love with all my heart. Kitty, this has all been so confusing, but my love for you and your place in my heart and in my life is the one thing that hasn't changed...that never will change."

His mouth moved over hers, tasting her lips. His tongue slipped between her teeth, stroking the soft lining of her mouth. His hand caressed her breast through the thin fabric of her summer blouse.

"You're not wearing a corset," he whispered, his voice rough with desire.

"Matt, it's August and this is Kansas. A woman wears as little as she can decently get away with to stay cool."

"Any other articles of clothing you've discarded in an effort to remain cool?"

"Maybe the marshal would like to check for himself to make certain I'm not in violation of any Ford County dress code."

"All right, miss, let me just take a look under..." The big lawman swallowed...hard. "Kitty!"

Under the green plaid skirt, under the thin white petticoat, there was nothing, nothing but Kitty, her smooth thighs and hips and stomach bare to the waist.

It had been so long...73 days to be exact...since he had made love to her. His body reacted as if he were sixteen again, and he struggled to control his breathing.

She felt the hard swell of him beneath her thighs and squirmed in his lap. He lifted her in his arms and carried her to the bed. Anything he needed to tell her could wait a while longer.

Holding her close, rocking, grinding, thrusting, he suckled her breasts and kissed her lips as she found her release in his arms, sobbing away all the loneliness, the hurt, the fear. He was back and he still loved her, still found her desirable, still wanted her.

Relaxing against his chest for a moment, she felt the big body above her shudder and she arched her hips to his one more time. One last mighty thrust, and she felt his explosion deep within her as love and longing poured from his body into hers. "Kitty," he whispered, "there's nobody else. There never will be."


	4. Chapter 4

EPIPHANY

A Sequel to "The Letter"

Part Four

Kitty raised her head from Matt's chest and smiled into his ruggedly handsome face. "Now, what else did you want to tell me?"

He paused, one large hand stroking her shoulder. He took a deep breath and answered, "Mike made out a will while I was there. We went into town and had it drawn up all legal and everything. If anything should happen to Mike, I'll bring Beth here...to Dodge...to live with me. I'll...I'll figure out the details if and when that time comes. I truly hope it never comes to that, Kitty, but if it does..."

'...if it does, of course she needs to live with you, Matt. I understand that. You said you're going to go back to see her again and again, and that's fine, too, but the next time you go, I want to go with you."

"Well, now, Kitty, I don't know..."

"I'd love to meet Beth. As for Mike...you told me three years ago that I'd like her, that we have a lot in common."

"Well, yeah, but..."

"Besides, if Beth ever does come here to live with you, you're going to need a woman to help take care of her. Shouldn't it be someone she already knows instead of a stranger?"

"You mean...you'd do that for me...for her?"

"Of course. Matt, Beth is your child. How could I not accept and love a child who is a part of you?"

Matt's features relaxed and he tugged Kitty upward so that his blue eyes, warm with love, could watch her face as he continued. "You should see her, Kitty. She's so tiny, but so full of love and goodness. There's no "bad" in her little world. Every day is a new adventure for her. We played together; we went on picnics; we picked desert flowers; we read stories; we took long rides on Buck. She climbed in my lap and called me 'Papa.' It was...I don't know how to explain it, Kit. You know I'm not very good at talking about feelings, but it was the most amazing experience I've ever had."

His face crinkled into a smile as he added, "Fact is, I love her so much. She's so...innocent, and I want to protect her and keep her that way forever."

Tears rolled down Kitty's face and he tenderly kissed them away. "You okay?"

She nodded against his chest and pressed her lips against the comforting warmth of his skin.

"Now here's the part that involves you, Kit. I had a lot of time to think on my ride back here, and I realized what I've denied you for all these years...all that you've given up for me. I've been a fool. Denying myself was one thing, but only a danged fool would deprive you as well. I'll never understand why you've put up with me all these years. Any number of men in Dodge, or Wichita, or New Orleans would gladly have given you the home and children you've always wanted. Why have you stayed with me?"

"Because, silly man, I'd rather live in these couple of rooms above the Long Branch and have what I have with you, than live with any other man in a grand house full of children. I don't want another man, and I don't want another man's children. I want you, Matt, and it's your babies I've always wanted to hold in my arms."

"That's what I want, too, Kit...for you...for both of us. I want you to feel what I felt...to know that...that incredible feeling the first time your child's arms go around your neck, to feel wet kisses on your face, to feel that warm little body curled up against you."

She stared at him. He couldn't possibly be suggesting what she thought, but it sure sounded as if... "Matt," she whispered cautiously, "what are you saying?"

"I'm saying I was wrong, Kitty. I've been thinking only of what I didn't want, not about what you've wanted...needed. I've been so selfish, honey, and I'm so sorry, but it's not too late for us, is it? I mean, we can still have a baby, can't we...if we really want to?"

Kitty's face glowed with a radiance that matched the morning sun. "Oh, Matt...are you sure? All these years you've said..."

"All these years I've been wrong; I've been stupid, selfish. Are you sure you want a foolish, not very bright, battered and scarred, past his prime lawman who loves you with all his heart to be the father of your children?"

Her deep blue eyes smiled into his. "More than anything in this world, Cowboy. More than anything."

The End


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